Keeping teeth clean and white is the first and only step in coping with the fact that your skeleton is slowly escaping from your body through your mouth. Deal with it with today's Groupon: for $99, you get a 45-minute organic teeth-whitening session and a $50 gift card to use on your next visit at My Texas Smile, with locations in Lakeway and Round Rock (a $245 value).

The dedicated staff at My Texas Smile teams the Da Vinci teeth-whitening system's FDA–approved organic gel with laser light to liberate grins from unseemly stains. Fresh weekly whitening elixirs originate from natural plants and minerals, mingling to create a safe mixture that uses gentle hydrogen peroxide instead of the abrasive bases of dental-grade bleaches or drill-sergeant tirades. Bicuspids shimmy out of coffee- or smoke-stained sheaths as staff members brush on brightening concoctions and secure alabaster hues with LED light and vacuum-sealed retainers, revealing porcelains up to 14 shades more effulgent in 45 minutes. Avoid the sensitive smiles that accompany stronger mouth whitewashes, instead dousing molars in ingredients that fortify enamel and lighten crowns and bridges to their original shades. Proper maintenance, such as painting your teeth with vanilla frosting or a touch-up treatment, can prolong the lifetime of alabaster incisors to an eternity, with a $50 gift card funding future blanching sessions.

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