Bodies of water are frequent metaphors in poetry, due to their unfathomable depths, unknowable sprawl, and unattainable porpoises. Cruise down the enigma with today's Groupon: for $10, you get one adult admission to a paddlewheeler trip to and from the Chalmette Battlefield as well as a one-hour tour of the grounds from New Orleans Paddlewheels, a $20 value. Children ages four and younger board for free.

The journey begins with stunning views of the French Quarter, as the 24-foot paddlewheel punches through river with diesel-electric force. The tour narrator will point out noteworthy landmarks along the way, while also disclosing local river lore, vessel information, crock-pot recipes, and river history. Disembark and change out of pedestrian threads and into something more heroic during the hour-long Chalmette Battlefield tour. The 45-minute tour, provided by the National Park Service, includes the highlights of battlefield topography and a history of the Battle of New Orleans and its impact on the War of 1812. There will also be a visit to the Chalmette Monument and a tour of the historic Malus-Beauregard House, which is older than yo mama jokes at 170 years of age. Although tempting, re-creating one of commanding officer Andrew Jackson's 13 duels is not recommended. After the land portion of the tour, reboard the Creole Queen for the return journey, making sure to explore any of her 190 feet that you may have missed during the ride in. In all, about 1.5 hours will be spent on the water journey, and an hour will be spent on land.

The luxurious Creole Queen is a faithful replica of the steamboats that once marked twain on the river, although some modern conveniences have been added to the design. Paddle the river in style with heat and air conditioning, modern restrooms, and wheelchair accessibility. The upgrades comfortably coexist with classic charm. The vessel is replete with old-time accents such as Victorian-style draperies, gaslight-inspired period lighting, friendly ghosts, wooden parquet dance floors, and Louisiana Cypress bars and brass railings. Combined with the best of new and old worlds is the never out-of-style combination of food and drink—there is a cash bar and à-la-carte food offered aboard.

The Creole Queen will not sail under certain weather conditions for safety concerns.