A perfectly white smile determines how others perceive you by shining brightly enough to blind them to your second head and compound eyes. Let dazzling teeth disguise the effects of your mad-science hobby with today’s Groupon: for $69, you get one teeth-whitening treatment at New Wave Body Contouring on Emerson Avenue (a $174.95 value).

New Wave Body Contouring's simple teeth-whitening regimen restores chompers to their original pristine pigment. Flip on autopilot amid the soothing spa confines as a tooth technician sets a cheek retractor in place to hold lips apart and paints peroxide gel directly onto teeth. A blue cold light lamp is then placed directly in front of open mouths to accelerate the process and provide an opportunity to entertain with shadow puppet shows. After a fifteen- to twenty-minute session, mouths may masticate with two to seven more shades of whiteness. Newly immaculate mouths will appreciate a quick, comfortable alternative to home-whitening concoctions that force gums to recede and tongues to don sunglasses.