Wouldn't you like to hear what your dog would say if it could speak English? In order to better serve our dog-owning Groupon readers, we decided to perform experiments on our dogs to find out what's on their minds, and the results are surprising. Once we taught our dogs English, here are a few of the things they said:

• "Every day you don't walk me, I vigorously hump your pillow while you're away." - Hamilton, Groupon Customer Service Representative Joe Harrow's basset hound
• "I am far too large for you to walk me around in your purse, and I resent you using me to make friends with other purse-dog owners. I insist on being walked by a professional from now on." - Furniture, Groupon Community Manager Lauri Apple's great dane

The results are clear, and Groupon has responded. With today's Groupon, $35 gets you a five-pack of dog walks (a $75 value) from Out-U-Go!, Chicago's premier dog-walking service. Redeem this Groupon anywhere in Out-U-Go!'s wide coverage area that includes the Near South, Near West, Downtown, North Side, South Loop, University Village neighborhoods, and the Oak Park River Forest Area. Call Out-U-Go! at 773-388-9800 if you're not sure if you're in their coverage area. Simply set up a meet-and-greet to go over the details with Out-U-Go! and your pup will enjoy personal attention from one of their animal lovers.

Even the most devoted pet owners must sometimes leave their beloved companions at home, but treating your best friend to mid-day walks while you're at work is a great way to say, "I love you more than my child, who must remain caged." A well-exercised dog that gets plenty of fresh air is a happy and relaxed dog, and a relaxed dog is one that won't tear up the house while you're gone.

Out-U-Go! has provided professional, individualized dog-walking services since 1996. All walks are tailored to meet your pooch's needs and can include changing water, feeding, belly rubs, and, of course, plenty of exercise. We know this is an incredible deal, but please, no gluing dog hair to yourself to qualify for belly rubs! You're free to schedule multiple walks a week or just an occasional outing for your furry friend.

All Out-U-Go! dog walkers are trusted professionals who have been trained not to shave your dog, dress it in a business suit, and pass it off as a rich boyfriend to impress rivals (a common criticism of other dog-walking services). Each walker takes a course at Out-U-Go!'s Dog Walk University where they learn everything about canines, from training to behavior to how to deal with any imaginable emergency. And if you want to be a top dog, Out-U-Go! is franchising, so feel free to call them if you're interested in opening your own Out-U-Go!. Although you can't put your Groupon towards the purchase of a new franchise, as a franchise owner you would be entitled to unlimited belly rubs.