Tooth discoloration can either occur over time from drinking coffee each morning or immediately from growling at a squid. Cover up ink-stained enamel with today's Groupon: for $1,999, you get four Lumineers dental veneers (a $5,612 value) at Owens, Stafford, & Robbins, DDS.

The clean, professional office of Drs. Owens, Stafford, & Robbins is a hub for restorative and cosmetic dentistry with a tested triumvirate of professional tooth tenders and the latest technologies. During an initial consultation, patient and dentist liaise to decide which four teeth will be prettified—which can be determined by client preference or the majority vote of regent taste buds—before casting ivory parabolas in a mold for fitting Lumineers. In a second appointment, dentists enlist a gentle adhesive to fix the ivory façades onto targeted teeth in a painless process that, unlike typical veneers, involves no shots, drills, or rusty pliers, leading to no structural damage.

Patients can tailor Lumineers to a particular shade of white to ensure a natural look or to match a favorite basket made of bones, and the teeth sheaths' thin, semitransparent nature is designed to approximate the porcelain glaze of natural tooth enamel. Along with whitewashing gum tusks, the Lumineers reshape asymmetrical teeth and fix uneven spacing, correcting unfortunate tectonic shifts in oral geography wrought from wanton thumb sucking or a diet of diamond-plated biscuits. Patients can expect the entire procedure to be complete after two sessions, and Lumineers have been known to last up to two decades.