Only the most deserving species receive teeth, which explains the bare-mouthed lives of morally dubious ducks and hard-drinking turtles. Bestow due respect upon your chompers with today's deal: for $49, new patients get a full dental checkup, including cleaning, examination, and any necessary x-rays (up to $270), plus one custom-fit teeth-whitening kit ($298) from Philip Kozlow, DDS, up to a $568 total value. The entire mouth-centric reinvigoration takes place in Dr. Kozlow's cozy office in Addison. Groupon customers also have the option of returning three to six months later for a second complimentary whitening kit in conjunction with a follow-up dental exam and cleaning ($141 to be paid by the customer). This Groupon is available for redemption beginning April 5, 2010.

A meticulous Kozlow kleaning gives the heave-ho to any tartar and plaque buildup, clearing the way for future generations of inevitable meal remnants. You'll leave with a smile bright enough to melt hearts, including your own, so be careful around mirrors. A thorough examination ferrets out any future cavity-varmint trouble, while x-rays provide the same predictive protection as an accurate gypsy who moonlights as a dentist.

The comprehensive session concludes with a tray-whitening kit to take home, which includes a custom-fitted tray to use every day for two weeks. Your chompers will whiten by an average of eight shades. Part science, part chemistry, and part white-wizard sorcery, there is no faster method to redefine everything it means to have a face.

Call ahead to schedule your appointment.