In the postapocalyptic future, humankind will look to those who spent the most time at the gym for leadership, as they will be best prepared to combat the roaming packs of feral treadmills. Prepare for glory with today's Groupon: for $67, you get a Black Card two-month membership to Planet Fitness (up to a $138.98 value, including enrollment fee), with locations in Providence and Bald Hill.
Planet Fitness' massive, brightly colored edifice teems with aerobic, strength-training, tanning, and massage options, tailored to suit burgeoning buffs of all ages and abilities. A two-month Black Card membership (a $39.98 value) with enrollment fee included (a $99 value) offers exercisers a wide range of Planet's benefits, including access to an extensive fleet of cardio equipment, strength-training equipment, and free weights, which move unhindered by large machines or political censorship. Tan-seekers can bask in the unlimited artificial sunshine of the gym's tanning booths, and an army of shiatsu massage chairs stands at the ready, twiddling soothing robot thumbs and waiting to coax tension from tired tendons.
Planet Fitness' facilities also include full locker rooms. Gym members receive a 50% discount on beverages and may bring a friend or nemesis-in-training with them on any visit. This Groupon must be redeemed at the Providence or Bald Hill locations but grants admittance to any of Planet Fitness' gyms nationwide.