Giving yourself a massage, like throwing yourself a surprise birthday party or asking for your own hand in marriage, is a surefire disappointment. Leave kneading to the knowledgeable with today's Groupon: for $97, you get a choice of a massage or facial spa package at Poseidon Spa, located in the Grand Bohemian Hotel (a $195 value). Choose one of the following spa packages:

Massage spa package includes:

• One 50-minute Poseidon massage
• One 50-minute signature pedicure
One exotic-spice scalp treatment

• Facial spa package includes:

  • One 50-minute signature balancing facial
  • One 50-minute signature pedicure
  • One exotic-spice scalp treatment
    
    

Poseidon Spa's retinue of pampering practitioners lavishes attention on patrons from head to heels with a choice of facial or massage spa packages. Under the relaxing kneads of the Poseidon massage, backs evict stresses for musculature as stress-free as a ball-pit meditation session. The massage utilizes essential oils to infuse patrons' senses with relaxing vibes while wheedling musculature into soothed states. Alternatively, signature balancing facial sessions coat complexions in antioxidant-rich concoctions, equalizing skin's mood swings under an hydrating mask and facial massage.

A purifying exfoliation scrub prepares toe ten-somes for their rehueing, with a caviar-infused scrub moisturizing digits while removing skins' rough outer husks. A slathering of marine collagen then rehydrates freshly scrubbed skin, boosting elasticity like Gumby's trampoline. Pedicurists then buff, file, and clean up nails, sealing into phalangeal treatments with a polishing in the color of choice. Invigorating kneads of an exotic-spice scalp massage are incorporated into the facial or massage service, working essential oils into the scalp to whisk away headaches, stress, and tension over high-stakes turtle races. Taking place in the Grand Bohemian Hotel's spa, treatments coalesce into luxurious relaxation sessions undertaken with the utmost privacy.