What You'll Get
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The Swedish government originally invented its distinctive massage technique to help its citizens survive the land's scarcity of sunlight, hard-to-assemble furniture, and air pollution of irresistibly catchy dance-pop. Clear your mind of stress and dancing queens with today's Groupon: for $35, you get an hour-long Swedish massage (a $70 value) at Private Edition.
The hour-long Swedish massage is Private Edition's most popular muscle-relaxation treatment in its arsenal of indulgent services and is recommended by lymphologists and lumberjacks as an invaluable ally in the ongoing quest for total health. Swedish massages employ several styles of expansive and ebbing strokes to relieve tension, mellow the muscles, and restore free-flowing fluency to the toxin-dispersal chutes of the lymphatic system. During effleurage, the hands smoothly circle the skin like epidermal ice skates as a primer for renewed venous and lymphatic circulation. The petrissage and tapotement strokes knead and knock on pressure points in the humanhide, while friction strokes untie the knots in the shoelaces of your muscle fibers. The vibration stroke goes all "cell-phone setting during a ballet" on the back and the limbs to get blood and muscles moving. The lesser-known high-five move at the end of the Swedish massage generates camaraderie and coolness.
Every detail in Private Edition's treatment center, from its plush pink carpet to the glamorous chandelier in the waiting room, is designed to create gamma rays of luxury that infiltrate the deepest layers of your fleshoskeleton. The helpful staff at Private Edition will ensure that you leave relaxed, refreshed, and ready to handle the challenges of everyday life and overly chatty sentient toaster ovens. Please schedule your appointment either by phone or online, rather than by skywriter.
The Fine Print
Promotional value expires Aug 3, 2011. Amount paid never expires. Limit 1 per person. By appointment only. 24-hour cancellation policy or Groupon is forfeited. Gratuity not included. Not valid with other offers. Merchant is solely responsible to purchasers for the care and quality of the advertised goods and services.