Though known for fast delivery times and unmitigated obedience, flying monkeys are seldom hired to deliver pizza because the constraints of full-body hairnets turn their wing flaps into pitiful flutters. Let these speedy mammals fly uninhibited with today’s Groupon: for $12, you get one propane exchange and delivery from Propane Monkey ($26 value), which serves the Birmingham-metro area. This Groupon is good for new customers only.
Propane Monkey manipulates the Internet’s webs like a digital puppeteer, processing online requests to deliver propane right to your door. Schedule an appointment to replace depleted tanks with fully loaded ones. Propane Monkey delivers seven days a week, with extra fees for same day ($10) and next day ($5) deliveries. The able fuel runners fill their tanks with 17 pounds of propane, 2 pounds more than most tank filling stations, whose operators steal extra propane to fuel their frivolous jetpacks. Labor Day barbecues and hot-dog-eating contests can rest easy knowing that every tank is thoroughly inspected and outfitted with an overflow protection device. Tanks are also decked out with a fuel gauge, preventing any unexpected depletions or undercooked chicken breasts. The tanks can also power outdoor heaters and mosquito traps that attract blood-suckers, by projecting Buffy reruns into a propane flame.
If you can’t be home for delivery, Propane Monkey can exchange tanks without your supervision. Just let them know where your tank is, leaving it in a safe place free from dogs and man-eating lawn sharks.