Jump to: Ignorance Is Bliss
Her predictions are certainties, her present is the future, her sight is foresight, and for unrelated reasons, her Sprite is Dr. Pepper. Today's Groupon is your trans-dimensional ticket to a reading from Mrs. Fifi, in the future. For $19, you get one-on-one access to her abilities in an ESP psychic reading, an intangible $60 value. She'll peer deep into your mind and the space-time continuum, bringing her 30 years of experience along for the ride. Your Groupon is only good for in-person readings, so astronauts wondering if they'll make it home okay, hang in there and don't let the hyper monkey get at the controls.
Mrs. Fifi first noticed her seventh sense at the age of 9 (her sixth sense was the ability to see dead people complaining). When she attained a mature 14 years, she began to use her gifts to help others. Over the next three decades, she would go on to answer the un-google-able questions of scholars, entrepreneurs, and ordinary citizens. She is a visionary in every sense of the word, using her otherworldly nature to establish research centers to help children in their physical and physiological development. The same care given to her life's ambition will be applied to each and every psychic reading.
Like the ghost of all Christmas tenses, Mrs. Fifi sees all that was and ever will be. Over the course of a 30-to-45-minute reading, you will gain insight into why you are who you are and what percentage of your body will be robot in 2042. Ask her questions regarding love, success, and the root of all evil. Her higher-purpose services aim to help you find your meaning of life, so please do not attempt to extract winning horses or lotto numbers during your visit. If your life chain feels as though it's missing a link, Mrs. Fifi will mend and solidify what's missing. You can call ahead to schedule an appointment or drop by when you have some spare time. (Either way, she will be expecting you.) Or stuff the stockings of BF's, GF's and BFF's by giving this gift of futuristic proportions.