Like glaciers and tectonic plates, teeth are slowly yet surely on the move as they attempt to turn their host’s mouth into frozen tundra and then rip it apart like a bite-size Pangaea. Defeat devious teeth with today’s Groupon: for $999, you get a teeth-straightening package (up to a $4,075 value) at Pure Dental Spa, located in Bloomingdale. Each teeth-straightening package includes:

• A top or bottom Invisalign treatment (up to a $4,000 value)
• A dental consultation with an oral exam, x-rays, and a cleaning (up to a $75 value).

The talented team of tooth technicians at Pure Dental Spa straightens crooked chompers with a combination of highly advanced, 3-D computer graphics and the spells of old-fashioned orthodontia. The Invisalign process eschews cumbersome braces for clear, removable aligners that are virtually invisible to the unclothed eye. During an initial 60-minute consultation, Dr. Rajul Patel will use x-rays, photos, and impressions of mouth terrains to pave the way for a flurry of calibrated teeth sheaths designed to slowly shift walnut crackers into perfect alignment. Depending on the client’s teeth, as few as 12 or as many as 48 separate aligners will need to be worn during a period of 6–15 months before the straightening effect finally self-actuates in a sudden burst of pink smoke and slobber. Aligners are removed only when eating, drinking, brushing teeth, or modeling a finely clenched jaw. View some Invisalign FAQs here.

As patients sit in the leather dentist chair, they can subject their heads to conflicting relaxation in the heated neck pillow and cooling eye mask. Stresses melt from bodies as paraffin-wax treatments keep hands from becoming jealous of pampered mouth bones. While being gazed upon by Dr. Patel, patients can dart their eyes to the office's flat-screen televisions, or sip on some complimentary hot tea, freshly brewed coffee, or bottled water.