Like ripened fruits, people with healthy-colored skin tend to spend less time loitering in orchards and are more likely to get picked up at the grocery store. Catch the eye of passing orangutans with today’s Groupon: for $29, you get three organic custom spray tans at Pure Spa, in Roberts-Crest (a $90 value).

Within three personal tanning sessions, Pure Spa's state-of-the-art Mystic Tan system will darken your dermis just in time for pool and peach-picking season. The system allows you to quickly and easily sift through a variety of special color formulas until you find the one that best suits your skin type and tone. Once you’ve settled on a tone, you’ll step into your swimsuit, skivvies, or fig leaf and enter the warm spray chamber. An automated airbrush will travel up and down and sway from side to side, dousing your skeleton-sweatsuit in a light melanin mist. The organic, odorless formula will melt instantly into your skin, leaving you instantly dry, bright, and naturally bronzed for up to five days—plenty of time to make a huge profit by selling seldom-used body parts to an online cash-for-gold exchange.

The experienced, friendly, and world-trained founder of Pure Spa prides herself on the spa’s use of top-of-the-line tanning technology and healthy, organic formulas—both of which are vastly superior to outmoded tanning methods, such as being soaked in a vat of foul-smelling chemicals, then beaten to a leathery softness at the local tannery. Seize this opportunity to change your stripes as if you were a futuristic chameleon, amazing friends and enemies alike with your dramatic transformation, or show the prom date who stood you up for pasty Cheri what a mistake he made all those years ago when you unveil your newly effulgent complexion. Call ahead to make an appointment at Pure Spa.

Reviews

Yellow Pagers give Pure Spa an average of four stars:

• What an amazing experience! This spa rivals any spa thatI [sic] have ever been in…I will come again! – prettyone, Yellow Pages
• This is the best spa that I have ever been to! The staff is so friendly and helpful. The ambience is very calming and soothing. – danielle7, Yellow Pages
• The whole experience was wonderful. The spa was very nice and clean they used top of the line products and sanitized everything. – Hard_2_Please, Yellow Pages