In the Dark Ages, people cleansed with outrageous fortunes, soaking themselves in baths of Fabergé-egg-infused gold doubloons. Revel in a more affordable and effective healing treatment with today's Groupon: for $49, you get six sessions of detoxifying ion therapy from River Oaks Detox (a $179 value). River Oaks, which specializes in all forms of body and mind purification, is dedicated to restoring the immune system and rediscovering health through personally tailored care.
At the start of River Oak's signature ion therapy treatment, you'll recline into a squishy chair and submerge your feet in warm, soothing ion water with a hint of lemon, chives, and eternity. The 23-minute ion bath uses a field of painless, non-invasive, electromagnetic energy to draw out cellular-level toxins and pollutants. It neutralizes and eliminates harmful free radicals, increases range of motion, and improves overall muscle strength. Each individual Ion Workers Union–certified ion is personally trained by River Oak's staff to enter your body imperceptibly, knock on the door of each and every cell, ask if they've had any problems, kick down the door when they receive no reply, and drag out the bare-chested, noxious nasty.
Detoxifying your body may help alleviate allergies, body pain, and high blood pressure, as well as boost energy levels. Your body, freed from the heavy burden of toxicity, can reassert its normal, balanced vitality. An ion treatment is the ideal solution for those feeling sluggish, depressed, and itchy-spleened, or those whose political beliefs restrict them to a diet of discontinued Surge soda and polysorbate 80.
River Oaks Detox posted some satisfied customer testimonials on its website:
- For the past six years, I've had migraine headaches and had to use heavy opiates to alleviate the pain. After twelve treatments the migraines are now manageable with only over the counter drugs. – HM
- Since doing the foot bath and oxypowder… I have more energy which allows me to work out regularly. – SM
- I don't know the science behind it, but ever since I started coming in, I've had more energy and have lost a few pounds. Have to admit, wasn't much of a believer, but I am so glad I started coming! – IC
2015 W Gray
Houston, Texas 77019Get Directions