What You'll Get
In the Dark Ages, people cleansed with outrageous fortunes, soaking themselves in baths of Fabergé-egg-infused gold doubloons. Revel in a more affordable and effective healing treatment with today's Groupon: for $49, you get six sessions of detoxifying ion therapy from River Oaks Detox (a $149 value). River Oaks, which specializes in all forms of body and mind purification, is dedicated to restoring the immune system and rediscovering health through personally tailored care.
At the start of River Oak's signature ion therapy treatment, you'll recline into a squishy chair and submerge your feet in warm, soothing ion water with a hint of lemon, chives, and eternity. The 23-minute ion bath uses a field of non-invasive electromagnetic energy to draw out cellular-level toxins and pollutants. It neutralizes and eliminates harmful free radicals and can increase range of motion and improve overall muscle strength. Each individual Ion Workers Union–certified ion is personally trained by River Oak's staff to enter your body imperceptibly, knock on the door of each and every cell, ask if they've had any problems, kick down the door when they receive no reply, and drag out the bare-chested, noxious nasty.
Detoxifying your body may help alleviate allergies, body pain, and high blood pressure, as well as boost energy levels. Your body, freed from the heavy burden of toxicity, can reassert its normal, balanced vitality. An ion treatment is the ideal solution for those feeling sluggish, depressed, and itchy-spleened, or those whose political beliefs restrict them to a diet of discontinued Surge soda and polysorbate 80.
New clients only. Only valid with Ion Therapy services.
The Fine Print
Promotional value expires Mar 13, 2011. Amount paid never expires. New clients only. Valid only for ion therapy services. No cash back. Not valid with other specials. Tax and gratuity not included. Merchant is solely responsible to purchasers for the care and quality of the advertised goods and services.