Without teeth, tongues would slither out of mouths and go on to lead unfulfilling lives catching raindrops and licking strangers' faces. Keep a stir-crazy taste muscle contained in a gleaming cage with today's Groupon to Sage Dental in Manasquan. Choose between the following options:

• For $56, you get a dental exam (a $50 value), a teeth cleaning (a $95 value), and x-rays (a $95 value; a $240 total value).
• For $99, you get Opalescence take-home teeth-whitening trays (a $350 value).

At Sage Dental, a gregarious staff of enamel experts buff teeth to a glistening finish and investigate oral health during a series of x-rays and a thorough examination. A dental professional will first scrub away gunky buildup during a fastidious cleaning, which removes harmful layers of plaque that would otherwise accumulate and disrupt mouths with cavities and graffiti scrawled by delinquent taste buds. A series of revealing x-rays allow a specialist to appraise an array of problem areas, including bone infections, abscesses or cysts, and gum disease. Finally, a tooth technician utilizes the information gleaned during the session to assess oral health and provide tips for patients on maintaining chomper health and wrangling plaque using floss lassos.

The Opalescence take-home treatment is a chemically activated formula that does not require the use of heat, ultraviolet light, or a large, ant-endangering magnifying glass. The potassium nitrate and fluoride in the formula also help to strengthen enamel and decrease sensitivity.