In spite of heavy promotion from action heroes, spy comedians, and children’s playgrounds, America has refused to shift from gas-guzzling automobiles to the convenience of gravity-powered zip lines. Get a jump on the future of transportation with today’s Groupon: for $44, you can zip through the trees on a guided tour from Scream Time Zipline in Zionville (an $89 value). Scream Time is open on weekends in April, four days a week during May and September, and seven days a week June–August.
Located in the gorgeous High Country outside of Boone, Scream Time lets the average individual fulfill superhero fantasies and practice extreme vertigo therapy soaring above the forest floor at speeds up to 50 mph. Led by a team of rigorously certified guides trained by a band of hyperintelligent flying squirrels, patrons will float, fly, and glide from treetop to treetop on zip lines that stretch from 450 to 800 feet. Scream Time makes for a memorable first date or dynamic game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, and those not satisfied with the two-and-a-half-hour tour can book an extra ride on the Super Zip (an additional $29), a triple-wide line woven from fibers harvested from Odin’s beard and chest hair that stretches almost half a mile toward the horizon.
Scream Time’s tour was designed and installed by Experience Based Learning (EBL), the same company that trained its staff and invented a method of fortifying intestines with steel belts. Due to the dangers posed from wayward birds, errant pine cones, and devious chipmunks, participants should wear closed-toe shoes, avoid baggy clothing, and leave dangling jewelry in the care of a local rapper.