The diaries of Lewis and Clark are filled with cantankerous laments about having to tour the wilderness by foot and the startling lack of trailside fast-food options. Equip yourself with a discoverer's eyes and a Robocop's wheels with today's Groupon to Segway of Cincinnati. Choose between the following options:

• For $35, you get a 90-minute tour for one person (a $60 value).
For $55, you get a 90-minute tour for two people (a $120 value).

Segway of Cincinnati's guides lead visitors on rolling tours through urban environs, alongside the Ohio River, and around placid parks. Climb aboard one of the company’s two-wheeled people porters for a 90-minute guided glide around downtown, the riverfront, or Eden Park, a historical swath of greenery which shuttles riders past 14 points of interest dotting the park including Mirror Lake, Krohn Conservatory, and the Water Tower. As eyes absorb the natural and man-made beauty around them, a tour guide pumps knowledge directly into the ears, where it’s transported to the brain and turned into power. Tours are available seven of the eight days each week, from dawn until dusk, as the segways turn feral after dark. Before the tour starts, guides will also lead 15–20 minutes of training to teach each newbie to tame a two-wheeled beast like a newscaster tames a feral hairpiece. Helmets are provided, but feel free to bring your own.