When the sensory technology of humanoid robots becomes advanced enough to systematically eliminate human life, real humans will have an 8 mph head-start on their Segways. Today's Groupon puts you at the front of the pack: $39 for a tour with Segway of Tempe or Segway of Scottsdale, almost half off their regular prices.
Glide effortlessly across the majestic terrain of either Desert Ridge or Tempe, snapping photos of cacti, tourists, and tourists dressed as cacti while you hear a fully narrated tour of the area from master thespian Morgan Freeman, who is such a good actor that he will sound completely different, as well as possibly use a secret codename. Each tour begins with a 30-minute orientation, ensuring that you can handle your new bi-wheeled steed with the grace and confidence of Clayton Moore. Then it's off for an hour adventure, zipping through Desert Ridge or Tempe Town Lake. Don't worry about getting your Seg-legs since each Segway is equipped with high-speed microprocessors, solid-state gyroscopes, and powerful electric motors that keep you balanced in even the thickest of locust plagues.
Note: Riders must be at least 16 years of age and more than 100 lbs. To remember these conditions, try visualizing a cat that would meet them.
Segway of Scottsdale won Best Way to Beat the Desert Ridge Bottleneck in Phoenix Magazine. Freed from the idling hordes, they proclaim:
- Navigating the weekend traffic around Desert Ridge Marketplace can make you feel like your SUV’s gone wading in the lazy river at the waterpark – unless you’re high-tailing it past all the idling Escalades in a spiffy Segway Personal Transporter...Brian and Darcie Lamacchia from the new Segway of Scottsdale offer one-hour guided tours that start at the JW Marriott Desert Ridge and happily venture off the resort’s golf course to give riders a chance to zoom along desert walkways. – Phoenix Magazine
Heck-raising gangs of motorcycle-riding criminals have given way to an even more dangerous threat: Segway-criminals. While the top speed of a standing criminal is 0 mph, Segway-criminals can reach an astonishing 8 mph, or 48 mph if tethered to a car that’s driving 48 mph. Their speed makes them impossible to catch or outrun, and their silent operation confuses police sonar.
It’s natural to fear Segway-criminals, but the best defense—detonating an electro-magnetic pulse bomb—is prohibitively expensive. Fight fire with fire that burns even hotter than normal fire by mastering the Segway with this Groupon. The next time you encounter a rowdy gang of Segway-criminals, you’ll be able to avoid their attacks by using classic evasion techniques like the Segway Shuffle, Two Segways Forward One Segway Back, and the Dip, Dive, Shimmy-Shimmy, and Dip.
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Segway of Scottsdale
The experienced tour guides at Segway of Scottsdale lead fleets of two-wheelers through one of two scenic Arizona cities during an extensive schedule of rides. Guests gear up for either of the 90-minute tours by hopping aboard a segway, whose self-balancing technology allows riders to tilt handlebars gently for turns or quickly for back flips. During the summer months, groups traverse the town's bridges and boulevards at dusk, stopping by landmarks such as Arizona State University and Sun Devil Stadium, whose eponymous student-athletes practice under solar-powered stadium lights to escape the chill of night. The Old Town Scottsdale Tour in particular is noted for its historic charm. Adventurousness guests can explore that charming area, including the Waterfront Main Street, and the Civic Center, glowing at night on the City Lights Tour.