The Tooth Fairy is a burglarizing fetishist specializing in black-market ivory trade, and she must be stopped. Keep teeth in mouths and out of the hands of maniacal, winged phantasms with today's Groupon to So-Well Dental Associates in Old Town. Choose between the following options:

• For $179, you get a teeth-whitening treatment (a $595 value).
• For $59, you get a teeth cleaning, x-ray, exam, and fluoride treatment (up to a $300 value).

Led by experienced dentist Dr. Zenobia L. Sowell, So-Well Dental Associates' certified team of teeth tamers performs each checkup and mouth-mending service. Shine up mouth stelae with either of the customized teeth-whitening treatments. Entrust food mashers to a one-hour, in-office laser treatment, or choose the Opalescence option and take home custom fabricated trays full of tooth brightening gel. Either way, watch as teeth transform into a more radiant display than an ice sculpture of a superhero's sky-projecting searchlight.

Those whose teeth already blind passersby can opt for an exam, which comprehensively explores the crevices and caps of each tooth. A dental technician will probe as far as the eye can see before conceding to the see-through superiority of a digital x-ray machine. Patients will receive a set of two bitewing x-rays, and, if needed, a full mouth set of x-rays that will reveal trouble zones and signs of decay above and below the gum line. The meticulous cleaning uses the latest in dental tech to banish any buildup of tartar, plaque, or loitering Cheetos dust. Treatment will conclude in a manner recommended by the American Dental Association—with an enthusiastic high five and fluoride treatment.

So-Well Dental Associates keep mouths glistening while keeping the earth healthy enough to support the teeth of tomorrow. The facility is certified as carbon-free, meaning it has eliminated all need for diesel fuel, wood-burning stoves, and perilous pencils. Call to make an appointment.

Reviews

Seven Insider Pagers, and eleven Yelpers used their shiny new teeth to administer a three-star average rating, and nine Kudzu users give So-Well Dental Associates a 3.5-star average:

• One of my front teeth had been broken when I was a teen. I went to my family dentist from childhood and everytime [sic] the doctor bonded it the bonding would come off shortly after. I went to Dr. Sowell and she bonded the tooth and 10 years later it still holds. I am very pleased with the job she did. She was gentle and kind. – nmalloy61, Kudzu
• Dr. Sowell was very patient with me. I needed to have several dental procedures over a period of time, due to my own dental neglect. She scheduled my appointments so that she could do several procedures at one time and not make my dental care a year-long endeavor…I am glad that she's my dentist and have recommended her to others. – Anonymous, Insider Pages