Like a potato, if the human body is not properly mashed and moisturized, it will never be used for anything more than a science-project battery. Make sure your body is properly fluffed and buttered with today's soothing Groupon: for $40, you get your choice of a one-hour Swedish, deep-tissue, sports, or aromatherapy massage (up to a $95 value) at Spadyssey Day Spa in downtown Providence. You can also combine two Groupons for a Two's Company massage (a $180 value).
Retreat to Spadyssey Day Spa's beautiful, relaxing sanctuary and feel the pressures of the outside world dissolve off your soon-to-be-tension-free shoulders. Your Groupon is good for one of four massages from one of Spadyssey's licensed therapists. The Swedish massage (an $85 value) remains a classic stress slayer, alleviating long-standing musculo-political tensions through five flowing pressure techniques. Bodies blighted by cavernous deposits of sepulchral trauma can have them swiftly exhumed via the deep-tissue massage (a $95 value), which targets problem areas and shoos out their bothersome spirits using slow strokes and deep pressure. The healing scented oils of the aromatherapy massage (a $95 value) will make you forget the smell of your own burning hair, while the sports massage (a $95 value) unties quadruple-knotted muscle fibers on the neck, back, and shoulders.
Maize-colored walls, cushy chairs, and pleasant lighting accentuate the Old World charm of Spadyssey—its warm, tranquil ambience aided by a soothing synthesis of music, satisfying scents, friendly staff, and their feather-down hugging apparatus. Patrons leave Spadyssey's pampering premises feeling lifted, refreshed, and confident, making today's Groupon a fine gift for downtrodden cubicle warriors or dumbbell deliverymen.