The burden of aches and pains makes it impossible for humans to run as fast as cheetahs, which is why the human diet is virtually devoid of gazelle meat. Keep fast food from getting away with today’s Groupon to Synchronicity Wellness. Choose between the following options:

• For $40, you get a wellness package, which includes an infrared sauna session and a one-hour treatment of reiki, massage, and osteopathy techniques (a $100 value).
• For $80, you get a spa package, which includes a timeless facial, spa pedicure, and classic manicure (a $160 value).

Synchronicity Wellness treats tired minds with indulgent spa sessions that pamper outer bodies while promoting inner harmony. The wellness package nurtures patrons with a detoxifying infrared sauna steeping, encouraging bodies to produce copious amounts of sweat and to remove toxins, such as the Degrassi theme song, from minds ($30). The 75-minute indulgence fuses together energy-harnessing reiki and osteopathy techniques, which gently manipulates limbs, joints, and muscles to improve lymphatic, circulatory, and nervous-system infrastructures. The package seals itself with elements of massage and industrial packing tape ($70).

The spa package begins with a timeless facial, which improves skin elasticity with nourishing products and Cirque du Soleil visualization exercises ($80). A spa pedicure douses hooves in an elating foot scrub, as well as a mask, massage, and a heated boot to console cracked heels ($50). The soothing triumvirate concludes with a classic manicure, during which a friendly nail technician pushes back cuticles, defines shapely fingernails, and applies a polish shiny enough to distract dogs from eating human ice cream ($30).