Jump to: Core of the Matter
The rejuvenating benefits of Pilates are proven in this photo of the exercise’s discoverer, Joseph Pilates, at age 82, taken shortly before an experimental gamma ray turned him into the Amazing Colossal Man. Today’s Groupon gets you all of the core-strengthening benefits of Pilates with almost no risk of meeting the fate of Colossal Joe. For $35, you get five mat classes, including yoga, Pilates, and boot camp, at The Pilates Loft in Clearwater. Use your five sessions to kick-start the alignment of your body and mind.
There are more than a dozen classes to choose from each week, accommodating everyone from agile masters to vivacious beginners. Check out the class schedule for specific classes and times. Once you find and attend a class you like, you’ll have six weeks to use up your remaining four classes; after those six weeks, your Groupon will self-destruct, leaving you with a pile of ashes and a dangerously catchy theme song.
Each class is led by a certified instructor who will guide you through the calculated and deliberate movements that make Pilates such an effective workout. The owner of Pilates Loft, Debbie Greenbaum, has more than 15 years of experience in the fitness field, ensuring that your workout will be in expert hands and totally free of killer bee attacks. So pull up a mat and brace your body for an intensely refreshing routine.
Pilates allows you to build a rock-solid body without turning into Rocky. Strength comes through endurance and repetition rather than pumping pounds of kilograms of iron. Weak backs and flimsy core muscles benefit from the slow but steady regimen. By learning how to move your body using an efficient range of motion, you will leave your session walking taller and less prone to injuries not sustained from lightning. Perhaps the best benefit of all is the buddy-system-style workout built into Pilates. Your motivation comes externally, from cheerful instructors and friendly classmates, rather than from bitterly chanted mantras and tyrannical resolutions.
With your newfound core strength, you’ll quickly amaze friends and local mail carriers. The core is the source of balance, posture, and ability to resist cravings for gummy worms. Get your core-strength on, and get your Groupon.
Core of the Matter
Pilates regulars know that it’s a great way to strengthen your core, but many beginners express bafflement as to what the mysterious “core” actually is. To answer the question definitively, we sought out Melman Jayce, the great-grand nephew of Pilates founder Joseph Pilates and assistant manager of the Mazes and Monsters Miniatures off Route 402. Jayce responds:
- The term “core” refers to both the deep and superficial muscles that stabilize, align, and move the trunk of the body, especially the abdominals and muscles of the back.
Dissatisfied with this surprisingly upfront answer, which in no way validated our preconceived notion of a man who sells tiny pewter dragons for a living, we chose to ghostwrite this response for him:
- The Core is a volcanic smelting foundry deep in the heart of Mount Smogg, where dwarven laborers, with eyes milky and white from centuries without sunlight, raise their stone hammers in unison and pound diamond-hard Mithril steel into armor and tempered blades that await the rise of Azerbahn the Returner and his Army of the Holy Light, who will one day free this kingdom from the all-seeing Smoke of Knowing.
What a nerd.
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