Like babies, cars are cursed with the inability to tell their owners when they are soiled, which often results in peeling paint, rusty rims, and embarrassing rashes. Seek the intervention of a car whisperer with today's Groupon: for $89, you get a full interior and exterior detail at The Smart Car Wash in Woodbridge, Virginia (a $239.98 value).

A $15 upcharge will be required for vehicles containing a third row of seats.

The Smart Car Wash's intelligent auto scrubbers use eco-friendly technologies to clean vehicles without transposing too much grime onto the earth or into the atmosphere. Full-detail packages begin with the Platinum wash, during which a water-recycling system developed by the Navy collaborates with laser-guided devices to surgically remove detritus from wheeled bodies and conserve the fluid that makes bathing and fog possible. The treatment also pampers exteriors with a triple-foam polish, Lustrashield sealant, an undercarriage washing, and a tire treatment. A hand wax, rim polish, and tailpipe polish add extra sheen as brake dust is banished from the vehicle's lower regions. Technicians then turn inward for an interior renovation, vacuuming up small stowaways and shampooing away smells and minor stains from every fabric fiber before removing grime hidden beneath paneling. After a deionization and disinfection, as well as a clay-bar treatment and paint-restoration compound, if needed, shoo away unseen contaminants from autos, cars receive a parting shot of parting fragrance chosen by their owners or picked on their own using turn signals and an understanding of basic Morse code.

The Smart Car Wash collects more than 100,000 gallons of rainwater a year on its slanted roof, then stores it and purifies it to drinking-water quality. Each wash uses about 40 gallons of water, as opposed to 140 gallons for the average home driveway wash, and the building, which is made from 20% recycled material, gets its electricity from offsite wind turbines.