Like ripened fruits, people with healthy-colored skin tend to spend less time loitering in orchards and are more likely to get picked up at the grocery store. Catch the eye of passing orangutans with today’s Groupon to The Tannery. Choose from the following options:

• For $7, you get a European tanning session in an Ultrabronz bed (a $29 value).
• For $10, you get a high-pressure tanning session in a Matrix bed (a $33 value).
• For $20, you get a custom spray tan from a certified airbrush technician (a $45 value).
  
  

At The Tannery, Smart Tan–certified staffers transform pasty physiques into bronzed bods with Ultrabronz and Matrix tanning beds, as well as skillfully administered spray tans. Using 99 percent UVA rays emitted by a high-pressure tanning system, a European session in an Ultrabronz bed rapidly tints bodies to bolder hues or maintains current tones that have begun to fade after months of underground living. Those who opt for sessions in the Matrix bed can evenly layer their skinsuits with rich color, basking under precisely spaced lights that maintain a polite distance from the body. For both the Ultrabronz and Matrix beds, session times are dependent on frequency of tanning and skin type.

For immediate faux bronzing, clients can opt for professionally delivered spray tanning. A certified airbrusher custom mixes a flattering shade of golden canned tan and then carefully blasts it all over the client’s body, leaving them smooth, sleek, and bronze in about 15 minutes. Hand-applied tans minimize streaking, running, tan wrinkles, uneven tones, and secret binary messages frequently embedded by disgruntled tanning-booth computers.