Like a potato, if the human body is not properly mashed and moisturized, it will never be used for anything more than a science-project battery. Make sure your body is properly fluffed and buttered with today's soothing Groupon: for $35, you get a 60-minute therapeutic massage at The Wind of Keltia in Holladay (a $70 value).

Helmed by licensed proprietor Penelope Bateman, The Wind of Keltia's experienced massage mavens blend a muscle-mollifying tonic of massage modalities to aid achy backs of all ages. Commencing the moment mitts touch skin, the one-hour massage melts muscles with medium-to-deep kneads that firmly furrow out subterranean pain pockets with a remedial medley of myotherapy, acupressure, and reflexology. Ideal for shedding stress and tendon tension, massages can also integrate calming hot stones and towels as well as aromatic DoTerra essential oils that fragrantly displace the skin's innate inessential oils, which reek of frayed fanny packs and laser discs. Each session is geared toward sustainable relief from chronic aches and tension and is capped off with a complimentary soothing mug of tea or crisp Kangen water to refreshingly lubricate newly limber muscles.