Like the three branches of the government, bodies, minds, and souls often find themselves in contentious disagreements over how much wine is too much wine in a voting booth. Remove impediments to bodily harmony with today’s Groupon to Toronto Colonics. Choose from the following options:

• For $39, you get one colon-hydrotherapy cleanse (an $85 value).
• For $72, you get two colon-hydrotherapy cleanses (a $170 value).
For $99, you get three colon-hydrotherapy cleanses (a $255 value).

The staff at Toronto Colonics strives to help bodies reach optimum operability by flushing out impacted intestinal matter during colonic-irrigation treatments. To kick off initial sessions, patients fill out a questionnaire concerning their health and ability to solve quadratic equations before attending an approximately 20-minute meeting with a lifestyle therapist. After escorting clients to a private treatment room, therapists guide guests through the 30- to 45-minute process, which starts with a lower-abdominal massage to stimulate peristalsis and break up impacted waste such as fecal matter and mucus. A small inlet tube then irrigates the colon by gently cycling 120–133 litres of filtered water, which has been warmed with imported Caribbean sunrays. Matter exits via an evacuation tube, and therapists may occasionally massage the abdomen to facilitate the movement of intestinal plaque. Once the session ends, patients receive an energizing drink plus a probiotic supplement, then debrief with the lifestyle therapist.

By removing impacted waste, patients can expel toxins that may otherwise absorb into the bloodstream and impede bodily processes, as well as exacerbate conditions such as allergies and migraines. Debris-free colons may lead to better nutrient intake, thereby resulting in increased energy and a feeling of mental clarity as powerful as that of a telepathically inclined drill sergeant. The cleansing may also help flatten the stomachs of those whose colons have prolapsed due to the weight of impacted material. Optimal treatment plans vary per patient—Toronto Colonics generally recommends 8–10 treatments over course of 4–10 weeks. For added comfort, patients may upgrade to disposable equipment for $10 per session.