Without teeth, tongues would slither out of mouths and go on to lead unfulfilling lives catching raindrops and licking strangers' faces. Keep a stir-crazy taste-muscle contained in a gleaming cage with today's Groupon: for $59, you get a dental cleaning, exam, and digital x-rays (a $225 value) at Total Dentistry on Colerain Avenue.

Led by dentist Christopher Omeltschenko, Total Dentistry’s staff of carnassial craftspeople uses the latest dental technology to relinquish mouths of dental dilemmas. Patrons can put forth their lip-guarded tongue houses for a mouth-wide seasonal cleaning to remove hardened bacterial deposits, polish and floss teeth, and search for stowaway Swedish Fish. After the cleaning, clients will undergo a comprehensive dental exam, and have digital x-rays taken to check for tooth decay, oral cancer, gum disease, and incognito ivories working for the burglarizing Tooth Fairy.