Without doggy baths, the common domestic canine would emit an incapacitating miasma of naturestink and leashrage, eviscerating the human race within a week. Save humanity with today's deal: for $8, you get a do-it-yourself dog wash (up to a $22 value) at Two Brothers Self Service Dog Wash in Virginia Beach.

Prices for self-grooming services depend on the size of your dog and coat thickness (starting at $10 for a tiny pooch with a short coat and climbing up to $22 for a huge, shaggy dog, as long as it is not actually a transmogrified mandog). Waist-high grooming tubs have an adjustable tub restraint to ensure your pooch and its rubber duckies remain still during bath time. You'll also be given a waterproof apron to protect against surprise shake-offs. Choose a favored aroma from the five two-in-one shampoo/conditioners, work up a furry lather, and feel free to utilize the ear, eye, and dental wipes. At this point, you might want to jump in the tub yourself for a quick scrub, but it's best to stave off wet dog smell by using the low-heat blow dryers, chamois cloth, and two towels that are provided. If there's a special tree that your dog has been eyeballing during walks, give him a little spray of designer doggy cologne or perfume for a quick confidence boost.

If your dog held all the master power in your relationship, you would currently be draped in silken robes, wearing a gold crown, and be gobbling grapes by way of paw. With today's Groupon, you can at least ensure your favorite canine is clean and comfortable with thorough self-service dog washing at Two Brothers. Whether your dog buried a bone in its fur or buried itself next to its bone, wash all yard dirt and stinky habits away. No appointment is needed; just drop in and soap up.

This Groupon is not valid toward extras such as flea shampoo, nail clipping, or the creme rinse conditioner.