Today's Groupon will undo years of espresso coffee, blue raspberry Tongue Splashers, and pen-suckings gone horribly awry with today's Groupon. For $179, today's Groupon treats your teeth to a Zoom! whitening at Verto Salon in Noble Square (a $599 value). All you'll need to do beforehand is buy today's Groupon and come into the salon for a consultation with Verto's dentist. It's the perfect holiday gift friends and family who want teeth that shine brighter than a comet colliding with the moon.
As the name implies, Zoom! teeth whitening is a faster way to bleach your teeth while still retaining the safety, effectiveness, and low sensitivity of less speedy treatments. It also knocks your chompers up an average eight shades of white compared to the three or four of whitening strips, or the six of at-home trays. The process is extremely simple. Come to Verto Salon at your appointment time, do not arrive in a different year because the rotation of the Earth may place you in the gulf of space or feudal Japan. The technicians will cover your lips and gums and expose your teeth, then apply the Zoom! gel and shine a specially calibrated light on your human fangs. While the light breaks up stains and discolorations, you can relax and watch TV or come up with songs that involve a lot of vowels. After three 15-minute sessions, you get to go home. If it's dark out, just smile and light your own way.
Along with being a key distraction in magic tricks, white teeth are one of the first things people notice when they meet you for the first time. And if you're a cartoon character in a pitch-black room, it's often the only thing they notice besides your eyeballs. Get them the most colorless color you can.
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Although modern technology allows for a manmade solution to the age-old problem of dull teeth, one question evolutionary orthodontics has failed to answer is: Why are teeth white to begin with? Although many cite the fact that their outer layer of enamel is comprised mostly of inherently white calcium phosphate, others suspect there may be more functional reasons to keep your pearlies white:
- Blinding jerks on highway by reflecting their highbeams back at them with a dazzling smile.
- Camouflage to keep hawks from attacking the tiny symbiotic polar bears that clean your gums.
- A blank slate on which to scrimshaw miniature recreations of all 49 years of Peanuts strips.
- Making notoriously germaphobic carrots feel clean when you cleave them with your mighty jaw.
- Looking pretty good.
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