Many cultures share the belief that careful study of people's faces can reveal their deepest secrets, such as fight-club membership and what they're dressed as for Halloween. Shield your visage from intense scrutiny with today’s Groupon: for $60, you get a one-hour facial lifting and sculpting treatment from Youthful Radiance Spa (up to a $135 value). You may opt to upgrade to a body treatment for an additional $30.

Armed with the latest in microcurrent facial technology, Youthful Radiance Spa’s seasoned age-wranglers use a non-invasive, FDA-approved method to render flesh busts worthy of marble busts. After a personal consultation takes stock of skin's topography and possum infestation, the spa's technicians slather a conductive blend of skin products onto the face, then spend the remainder of the hour gliding a wand across skull-hulls' various barnacles. As an electric current dances excitedly from the wand into specific acupuncture points, it motivates production of collagen, which fells wrinkles, firms droopy flesh-folds, and shrinks pores. Facial sculpting also tightens jowls, which makes senators look fresh-faced and bulldogs look weird.

The gentle treatment requires no downtime and leaves behind no scars, swells, or bruises—just a smooth, unblemished façade that glows like an irradiated peach. Youthful Radiance Spa also provides a complimentary paper bag in case one's newly radiant visage disrupts the sleep patterns of spouses.