You're probably thinking, "That sounds great, but I've never bought a car or a computer without first reading the Wikipedia definitions for car and computer—I'm not about to buy a Groupon either without a briefing." Well neither would we, and since this is everyone's first Groupon, allow us to briefly explain how it works.
How Groupon Works
Groupon is a combination of the words group and coupon. Each day, we offer an unbeatable deal on the best of Columbus: restaurants, spas, sporting events, theater, and more. By promising businesses a minimum number of customers, we get discounts you won't find anywhere else. We call it "collective buying power"!
If you want to get the deal, just click BUY before the offer ends at midnight. If the minimum number of people (25 for today's deal) sign up by the end of the day, you'll get a printable gift certificate in your inbox the next morning that you can use whenever you want (well, at least until the deal expires—today's expires in six months). If not enough people join, no one gets the deal (and you won't be charged), so invite your friends to make sure you get the discount!
It's nice to wake up to something new every day. Some people get their daily fix from desk calendars with a cute puppy and a funny caption every morning. Groupon is like a desk calendar, except the puppy is an unbeatable discount and the funny caption is a profound reflection on the flowers and needles growing from life's cactus. We selflessly share our deep insights, hoping that you will join our mob of consumers, thus strengthening our collective buying power and commanding even better deals.
The high levels of artificial preservatives and chemicals in modern pizza are the number-two cause of crow’s feet and dry mouth in America. Today's Groupon gets you $20 worth of fresh, organic pizza for $10 at zpizza, an oasis of natural, full-flavored pie in a wasteland of modern preservatives. zpizza offers bubbly pizza that’s safe for vegans, vegetarians, the gluten-shy, and snooty gourmands. Handcrafted rusticas join hot and cold sandwiches, crisp salads, and pasta on a menu full of organic options.
Every pizza at zpizza is freshly prepared, hand thrown, gently coaxed into the oven using soft birdcalls and pheromone trails, and fire-baked to crispy perfection. The dough is prepared fresh daily from 100% certified-organic wheat, and z is also happy to offer gluten-free crusts at participating locations, sating the pizza desire of the allergic, dieters, and wheat sympathizers. Toppings include award-winning Wisconsin skim mozzarella, MSG-free pepperoni, certified-organic tomato sauce, additive-free sausage, and fresh produce. Try a large ZBQ pizza (with barbecue sauce, mozzarella, barbecue chicken, roasted pepper, red onion, tomato, cilantro, and sweet corn, $19.95) or a chicken curry and yam rustica (with mozzarella, curry chicken, yam, mango chutney, raisin, and cilantro, $8.95). Delight in a small Berkeley, a soy-cheese veggie pizza (with pesto, soy cheese, veggie burger crumbles, zucchini, tomato, mushroom, red onion, and bell pepper, $9.95), or test-drive a mouthwatering Moroccan rustica (with pesto, mozzarella, roasted eggplant, feta cheese, caramelized onion, and pine nut, $8.95).
Each bite of the unexpected and satisfying flavor combinations builds on the last, like a culinary crescendo that ends in gustatory harmony. These creative combinations are like an artfully prepared, soda-fountain-perusing suicide drink, except with roasted bell peppers and truffle oil instead of Mr. Pibb's and Faygo.
Your Groupon is good for carry-out or dine-in, but not delivery.
- Almost every style of pizza on the menu could be modified to be gluten-free. Heaven!!...The pizzas were amazing. – Kimberly, Gluten-Free is Life
- I can't believe I've been yelping for however long, living right by zpizza for however long, and haven't written a review about them yet. I LOVE this place. They have some of the most interesting pizzas I've ever tried (try the Tuscan or Thai!). – Luke T., Yelp
- This place is great. The pizza crust is healthy and taste [sic] delicious and it is not as greasy as what most pizzas tend to be. The toppings that you can get here are excellent. – Michael N., Yelp
- Recent visit to Zpizza in Columbus was great. Big selection of heathy, unique, salads and pizza, plus sandwiches were all tasty. – gbdenny, Urbanspoon
Extra Credit (and extra cheese)
zpizza derives its name from the National Standard of Pizza Grading, which uses a reverse-alphabetical scale on which Z (short for “Zenith of Pizza Quality”) is the highest grade, Y is the second highest, and so on. Confusing? You bet. That’s why we’ve transcribed the scale in its entirety to help inform all future pizza-purchasing decisions:
A: Awful pizza.
B: Bad Pizza.
C: Crummy Pizza.
D: Dad, I don’t eat pizza, I’m vegan now.
E: Eat it, Stephanie, your mother worked hard on that pizza.
F: Forgivably bad pizza, made by enthusiastic children.
G: Gosh, this pizza is bad.
H: Hey, everybody! I found an almost-untouched pizza on the bus!
I: Insufficient portions of pizza.
J: Just kidding, I’m not dying. I just wanted you to come over because I can’t finish this pizza.
K: King Ralph wouldn’t even eat this pizza, and Wikipedia defines him as an “easy-going slob”!
L: Lackluster pizza.
M: Mediocre pizza.
N: Not very good pizza.
O: Okay pizza.
P: Pizza (Italian, pronounced pit.tsa) is a world-popular dish of Italian origin, made with an oven-baked, flat, generally round bread that is often covered with tomatoes or a tomato-based sauce and cheese. Other toppings are added according to region, culture, or personal preference. Originating from Italian cuisine, the dish has become popular in many different parts of the world. A shop or restaurant that primarily makes and sells pizzas is called a pizzeria. The phrases pizza parlor, pizza place, and pizza shop are used in the United States. The term pizza pie is dialectal, and pie is used for simplicity in some contexts, such as among pizzeria staff.
Q: Quietly hand me the pizza, and no harm will come to your beloved tarantula.
R: Respectable pizza.
S: Satisfactory pizza.
T: Tony! Why come’a you don’t talk’a with’a fake Italian accent for the nice’a customers?
U: Unexpectedly good pizza.
V: Very good pizza.
W: Whoah, who made this pizza, an angel?
X: X-rays are a government conspiracy to increase your xenophobia and make you purchase xylophones.
Y: Yikes! This pizza is so good it’s scary!
Z: (see above)
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