Losing weight is a challenge almost as difficult as reading an entire dictionary or climbing a tree that's covered in canola oil. Take an expert approach to tackling the task of slimming down with today's Groupon: for $999, you get six Zerona body-sculpting laser treatments at Zerona Body Sculpting (a $2,900 value).
Under the expert guidance of Dr. Victor M. Rudkin, Zerona Body Sculpting utilizes Zerona cold-laser technology to banish body fat from the waistline, back, hips, and thighs. Usually scheduled for one hour, the body-slimming treatment is administered in six 40-minute sessions over the span of two weeks. The treatment enlists the services of a low-energy laser scanner that transmits samba-playing signals to fat cells, stirring them into shimmying and shaking until becoming completely liquefied. The melted masses are then ousted through a temporary pore in the cell membrane and discharged during the body's natural process of detoxification, as well as with the help of a pitchfork-wielding mob of metabolism. The noninvasive treatment causes no scarring or bruising and requires no recovery time.
Sessions must be completed within 72 hours of each other. This treatment is not recommended for women who are pregnant or breast feeding; those who suffer from cardiovascular, liver, kidney, or lymphatic system disease; or those who currently have cancer or are within one year of remission.