The majority of real-life lasers are productive members of society, contrary to their negative Hollywood portrayals as family shrinkers and stealers of guns' jobs. Discover the truth with today's Groupon: for $999, you get six Zerona laser treatments, plus nutritional supplements of niacin and carnitine at Zerona Santa Rosa (a $2,400 value).

Dr. Michael Ridgeway's team of licensed laser wielders zaps away stubborn fat deposits during noninvasive Zerona cold-laser treatments. In 40-minute sessions, energy from a nonthermal, low-level laser stimulates the membranes of fat cells, tickling them into submission as stubborn adipose tissue floats into interstitial space. Once neutralized, fatty tissues can be naturally flushed out of the body through the normal process of detoxification or via a make-out session with a geyser. During clinical testing, patients treated with six Zerona therapy sessions lost an average of 3.5 inches on targeted areas, whereas placebo groups lost only half an inch of fat while regularly receiving water injections and taking sugar pills.