Giving yourself a massage, like throwing yourself a surprise birthday party or asking for your own hand in marriage, is a surefire disappointment. Leave kneading to the knowledgeable with today's Groupon: for $40, you get a 50-minute ashiatsu massage at Balanced Body Massage Group in Upper Marlboro (a $95 value).

Heels and toes deliver soothing pressure during the East Asian ashiatsu deep-tissue massages at Balanced Body Massage Group. Supported by overhead bars and assisted by the heavy hands of gravity, therapists glide their firm soles slowly over tense backs. A fusion of Swedish and compression techniques helps pump fresh blood throughout the body, iron out knots, and send stress to military reform schools. Oil infuses the uppermost layers of skin with rich moisture, and trigger-point therapy routs chronic pain from hideouts in the soft tissue. Refreshed limbs leave the table feeling as long and loose as the Man with No Name's poncho.