For centuries, mankind has envied pizza dough and wondered how we too could be kneaded to relaxed, savory states without paying for the luxury of being escorted via wooden paddle to a Sicilian brick oven. Even the playing field with today's Groupon: for $45, you get a one-hour personalized massage and two add-on services at Biossage: Massage for Life (up to a $95 value).

Start your individualized package by choosing one of four massage varieties: Swedish, deep-tissue, sports, or pregnancy massage. A mellow Swedish massage relieves stress and stimulates circulation, whereas the deep-tissue massage focuses more on the release of chronic muscle tension through increased pressure on problem areas. Heal chess-related maladies with a targeted, therapeutic sports massage, or soothe the aches of expecting with the pregnancy massage. Add-ons include trigger-point therapy, neuromuscular therapy, mayofacial release, hot stones, the chakra-energy-balancing sounds of the Tibetan healing bowl, or a customized blend of aromatherapy essential oils.

Let tranquility technicians wrap you up in steamed towels, causing physical tension and stress to evaporate from your person like water molecules bullied by the atmosphere.