Bodies that are properly cared for perform better, which explains why most Olympic records are held by reanimated mummies. Go for the pharaoh's gold with today’s Groupon: for $35, you get a one-hour customized Swedish or therapeutic massage at Innovative Therapy & Wellness in Virginia Beach (up to a $75 value).

Dr. Tracy Hernandez and the qualified staff of licensed physical therapists, massage therapists, and fitness instructors at Innovative Therapy & Wellness put to use years of experience to allay and eliminate bodily stress and pain. A one-hour therapeutic massage funnels anxiety and tension toward unicorn-like extinction and works well for clients participating in personal training, physical-therapy sessions, or weekly gladiatorial contests at their local coliseum. Drawing on an array of techniques, the treatment specifically targets high-tension zones, stretching muscles to relax and mend tissue. The Swedish massage aims to both energize and soothe bodies by stimulating circulation, with possible benefits including better sleep, headache relief, and the ability to fly.