Attention: This transmission was recently intercepted from a hostile space-spa.

Welcome to Mars Massage, Humans. Once the plan of our Supreme Commander of Tourism succeeds, we will be a direct competitor to your beloved Lunar Massage. Like all other oxygen-breathing, sweat-perspiring, sentient bipedal hominids, we at Mars Massage understand your Human needs: to be fed, to be massaged, to be told the truth, and to never be probed while conscious. Mars Massage also knows that Human muscles often get sore from Human activities: running, finding a way through a maze, putting an apple in the right jar, figuring out which floor tiles will not shock the Human’s foot, etc. This stress from everyday Human life necessitates the kneading and massaging of your supple Human muscle tissue. Mars Massage offers several different types of massage, not limited to: running on a wheel, lifting and carrying the blocks and then stacking them, and inserting a needle into the arm. There are no membership contracts and no subscription fees, Humans. There will be no written, legally permissible evidence of your time spent at Mars Massage. Thank you.

A note from Groupon: Groupon does not endorse Mars Massage. Instead, choose a soothing, stress-busting massage at Lunar Massage.

Details

Today’s Groupon grants you 60 minutes worth of massage at Lunar Massage for the significantly reduced price of $30 (60% off the $75 value). Located at 1101a 5th St. NW (right across the Safeway at 5th and L Streets), Lunar Massage was founded on the idea that massage therapy should be accessible to everyone. It’s the perfect spot to unwind after a hard day sitting, typing, eating, and sitting more at the office. If you’re either turned off by hoity-toity spas or yearn for an affordable, no frills massage, then Lunar Massage is the place for you.

Many young professionals don’t have time to spend their weekends pampering themselves at fancy spas with time-consuming massages. At Lunar Massage, you can pop in for a quick, fully clothed massage that you’ll find superior in quality to many relaxation-focused massages at other spas. If you’ve ever gotten a bad massage at one of those new-age spas, you know that no amount of party-bag bonuses (peppermints, buttermints, horsemints, etc.) can make up for a mediocre massage. When you get a massage, you want a damn good one. That’s what you get at Lunar Massage. And dudes, you don’t have to put on pink slippers at Lunar.

Lunar Massage offers a variety of tension-relief methods:

• Twentysomething massage: When you’re short on time and need a refresher, pop in for a quick massage. Great for the lunchtime crowd.
• Crackberry massage: If you’re sore from using your Blackberry too much, get 20 minutes of hand- and forearm-focused therapy (with lotion).
• Massage and nap combo: Split your 60 minutes between a massage and a nap.

Don’t feel the need to use your entire 60 minutes at once; you can opt for two 30-minute sessions instead. Test the massage waters at Lunar and get your Groupon.

Reviews

There aren’t many web reviews for this new massage parlor, but the early returns are all positive. Yelpers give Lunar an average four out of five stars. Here’s what they’re saying:

• “If you’re looking for a no-nonsense, solid massage and don’t need Yanni or aromatherapy, Lunar Massage is your best bet in DC.” – Courtney K.
• “Lunar offers incredibly well-priced, casual massages aimed at those who can do without the fuss of the “spa” experience and just want a quality massage.” – Lydia C.

For an in-depth look at Lunar Massage’s fresh take on health and wellness, read a preview at Washingtonian.com.