Massage was developed by NASA to help astronauts cope with edgy Tang-induced sugar highs, lack of ESPN, and predatory aliens stowed away in the hangar bay. Achieve its soothing effects outside the soul-crushing abyss of outer space with today’s deal: for $32, you get a one-hour massage at Northwest Massage on Donnylane Boulevard.
The key hands behind the Northwest curtain belong to Page Hunt, a licensed massage therapist who's been practicing the fine art of relief for 15 years. Not content to rest on her stress-relieving laurels, she's continued her education over the course of her career, accumulating certifications in sports massage, lomi lomi (Hawaiian massage), reflexology, and other techniques like so many gesticulating knees and elbows in a dust-cloud of fighting cartoon characters. With today's deal, you'll receive an hour-long custom-tailored massage from either Page Hunt or her licensed-massage-therapist associate. Enjoy the treatment in a spacious private room that features numerous relaxation-based accoutrements, including a heated table, soft candlelight, and soothing music (which has so far proven more popular with clients than audiobooks read by Gilbert Gottfried). You'll leave the Northwest premises with your muscular fibers singing as harmoniously as a barbershop quartet, instead of screeching like the lead singer in a Norwegian death-metal barbershop quartet.
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