Without the loosening effects of massage, shoulders would stiffen into immobility and fall victim to freeloading parrots and the burden of carrying Earth's heavyset brother, Girth. Pamper your perches with today's Groupon: for $32, you get a 60-minute back massage at PHD Salon & Spa in West Allis (a $65 value).

At PHD Salon & Spa, licensed massage therapists Sherilyn Kowalkowski and Sherri Wire set sinews free with ache-easing muscle-manipulation techniques and back-focused bodywork. Knots of tension tied during long days at work and longer nights at Celtic poetry slams loosen beneath the two massage mistresses’ digital ministrations. Their flowing strokes work to restore range of motion, boost blood circulation, and recharge lymph systems, improving oxygen delivery to vital organs and eliminating toxins for improved whole-body health. Released from active duty, tension flees shoulderscapes in search of awkward sitcom couples, leaving behind only soothed muscles and liberated sighs.