For centuries, mankind has envied pizza dough and wondered how we too could be kneaded to relaxed, savory states without paying for the luxury of being escorted via wooden paddle to a Sicilian brick oven. Lose the pizza envy with today's Groupon: for $24, you get a 60-minute Swedish massage (a $49 value) at Relax Therapeutic Massage, located in Virginia Beach.

Relax Therapeutic Massage's Swedish knead employs several styles of expansive and ebbing strokes to relieve tension, mellow the muscles, and restore free-flowing fluency to the toxin-dispersal chutes of the lymphatic system. During effleurage, hands smoothly circle the skin like epidermal ice skates as a primer for renewed venous and lymphatic circulation. The petrissage and tapotement strokes knead and knock on pressure points in the humanhide, while friction strokes untie the knots in the shoelaces of muscle fibers. The vibration stroke goes all "cell-phone setting during a ballet" on the back and the limbs to get blood and muscles moving. The lesser-known high-five move at the end of the Swedish massage generates camaraderie and coolness. If a Swedish massage doesn't suit your soul sack, you may upgrade your Groupon to one of Relax Therapeutic Massage's signature treatments and pay the price difference.

Relax Therapeutic's serene oceanic atmosphere ignites feelings of inner peace. Hardwood floors, cool colors, and comfortable furniture make it an ideal destination for full-body melting, and the friendly technicians take care of any post-melting cleanup. Buy two Groupons to turn your Swedish into a couple's massage and melt with your significant other or significant other's most significant hairstylist. Call ahead to make an appointment.