Without the loosening effects of massage, shoulders would stiffen into immobility and fall victim to freeloading parrots and the burden of carrying Earth's heavyset brother, Girth. Pamper your perches with today's Groupon: for $20, you get a one-hour massage, facial, or foot massage at Ross Massage (a $40 value).

The staffers at Ross Massage tailor treatments to each body, reducing stress via one-hour massages and facials. Ross’s signature Sense facial targets visible signs of aging, moisturizing the skin to hinder redness and sensitivity. The visage revamping also aims to bolster blood circulation more effectively than running laps around the inside of a Gravitron. One-hour massages could integrate a number of techniques, such as hot stone, Swedish, sports, prenatal, or deep tissue, to relax the body and ease pain. Foot massages rely on reflexology, which targets reflex points in order to engender wide-ranging health benefits and imbue the ability to walk on Jello.