Recent findings by premier Egyptologists suggest mummification was not a method of preservation, but a failed attempt to heal citizens' sore muscles by wrapping them head-to-toe in ACE bandages. Make modern muscles merry with today's Groupon: for $30, you get a one-hour massage with Rick Phillips at Vandalia Massage Therapy in Vandalia (a $60 value). Whether you're suffering from sore muscles, aching pains, or stress related to lack of massage, these sessions can be tailored to suit each client. First-timers take part in a timely tête-à-tête with Rick, who will use medical histories, interviews, and a Magic 8-Ball to customize a customer's rubdown. With modesty in mind, guests are encouraged to wear whatever makes them comfortable, be it snowsuit or no suit. After an hour of kneading and reveling in relaxation, clients can expect released endorphins, increased circulation, decreased muscle maladies, and re-creased trousers.

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