Seventeenth-century shipping routes drastically improved once navigators began referring to actual maps of waterways instead of the veins on their thighs. Steer clear of veiny skin with today's Groupon: for $149, you get one sclerotherapy treatment at Vascular and Interventional Associates in Crestview Hills (a $350 value).

A fellowship of six vein-slaying physicians specializing in all aspects of venous disease, Vascular and Interventional Associates can eradicate skin’s purpled patterns with an effective and FDA-approved treatment. In a 30- to 45-minute session, an experienced physician will use tiny needles to inject veins with Sotradecol, a sclerosing agent that recites its lengthy chemical composition in a dully lecturing voice until spider veins simply fade away from boredom. Depending on the severity of each condition, repeat or multiple treatments may be necessary before veins completely disappear from view. Patients can resume all normal activities immediately after this minimally invasive procedure, and some are even encouraged to take up new activities such as subway-grate gymnastics and competitive bagpiping.