For centuries, mankind has envied pizza dough and wondered how we too could be kneaded to relaxed, savory states without paying for the luxury of being escorted via wooden paddle to a Sicilian brick oven. Today’s Groupon gets you a safe and savory knead. For $37, new clients get a 90-minute Zen Swedish massage with aromatherapy (a $75.95 value) at Zen Massage's Dilworth location.

Zen Massage’s friendly, licensed therapists will knead your back into doughy bliss with 90 minutes of connective strokes. Swedish massage is the most popular type of knead. It stimulates circulation and reduces emotional and physical stress by melting tense muscles like the sun melts scoops of ice cream. Each massage is customized to patient preferences; therapists can use light, medium, or firm pressure. While your back’s bothers are pounded away, essential oil aromatherapy soothes the senses and refreshes the atmosphere. After Zen Massage's pampering, stress will be evicted from your tissues and forced to take up residence in stray dog's eyelashes. Invest in yourself with today’s Groupon, or buy multiples as gifts for your horseback riding team. You must call ahead to make an appointment.