I don't understand it. As if it's not enough that everyone loves Kafka Wine and despises my revolutionary, bitter-tasting Nietzsche Wine. As if it's not enough that Kafka Wine gets rave reviews on their Yelp Page, averaging 4.5 out of 5 possible stars, while my inspiring, forward thinking nihilist wines have just a 0.5 out of 5 stars (with only yours truly, Friedrich Nietzsche, giving my wines the 5-star rating they deserve). As if it's not enough that Kafka Wine already lures in many "satisfied" customers by featuring a delicious selection that is already incredibly affordable (offering over 250 wines under $15 everyday), while I cannot afford to sell my sour wines for anything cheaper than $500. Now, Groupon has to make Kafka's already cheap wines even cheaper!

NEIN! Do not buy the amazing Groupon discount of $30 gift certificates to Kafka Wine for just $20. Do not take advantage of their "convenient" Lakeview location at 3325 N Halsted, "pleasant" storefront, and "friendly" staff. Don't follow the herd - think for yourselves - come to my studio garden apartment in Gary, Indiana. The beautiful apocalypse has arrived in my quaint hometown, please come visit me. Pay nary a worry about mercury in my walls, join me and sample my polluted wines! Let your intellect be the judge.

I am confident you will come to agree with me that the people are mistaken. I write fascinating ponderings on the subject of power. Women should love this, but they only ridicule me for my moustache and small feet. And then this man Kafka comes along and writes a story about people turning into bugs, and the ladies flock to his wines, call him a sexy boy, and write nice things on his Yelp Page. Like this yelping woman, Natalie V., who writes...

"Kafka, first of all, is completely unpretentious.  Secondly, they have tons of wine that is inexpensive and of great quality.  Finally, you don't have to be a wine snob to go to Kafka.  Just know the flavor or quality of wine that you like.  Their wine is not by region or varietal, but rather by flavor/quality.  Some of the sections are fruity, spicy, oaky, earthy."

I am a genius. I invented nihilism. The people are simple-minded brutes. All they can think to do is be charmed by Kafka. They think he is such a nice man. They think he has excellent "customer service." He fools these yelpers with his charm. Like this lady Molly M., who foolishly declares...

"I go out of my way to buy wine here because the staff is so helpful and friendly."

The people love Kafka's so-called "magical-realism," and the magic feeling they get from his delicious affordable wines. Conversely, they criticize me for my pretentious ways, like my dismissal of the Judeo-Christian tradition as a slave morality. Well I suppose I should just drink some Kafka wines and turn my frown upside down, yes? Well poo poo on you. Go ahead, yelp yelp away like little barking dogs in your world of values and morals and fine wines. Fools, all of you. My wines and philosophy are superior! They are bitter, like the cold, brutal world. I mean, look at this picture of Kafka at the age of 5, with his horrible little dwarf pony. How can you buy wines from such an imbecile with such a pony?

Don't get your Groupon. Get my Groupon. If there is ever a GrouponGaryIndiana.com, then I will be on it and I will invite you. Please wait until then.