Whether as a class valedictorian or a disgraced world leader announcing your resignation from office, at some point every person will have to stand up and spew out some words in front of people. Here are some guidelines for giving your first speech:

Greeting: Thank the audience for tuning out the constant stream of negative thoughts in their heads and instead listening to the constant stream of negative thoughts coming out of your mouth.

Intro: Make it clear what your speech will be about. This could be done in a variety of ways, from listing your sworn enemies to a simple, jubilant shout.

Body: This is where you set out your main points. Be sure to pause often so that your intellectually inferior audience can absorb your thoughts and so that you can replenish the precious saliva supply that makes speech possible.

Ending: The end of your speech should summarize your main points by shooting them out of a cannon on tiny slips of paper that your audience can keep as souvenirs.