The world of holiday shopping is fraught with harried sales associates, mile-long traffic lines, and screaming infants. These are the agents of S.H.O.P.T.R.E.—Shadowy Holiday Organization of People Trying to Ruin Everything. They are an underground cadre whose sole purpose is to keep you from finding the gifts that will make this holiday season great...and they will stop at nothing.

Whenever a stranger’s toddler reaches into your cart to snatch the season’s hottest toy, S.H.O.P.T.R.E. is there. Wherever a mall is playing “Santa Baby” for the third consecutive time, driving you to the brink of madness, S.H.O.P.T.R.E. is there. And whoever that guy is that nabbed the last spot in the parking lot, S.H.O.P.T.R.E. is probably that guy.

But Groupon is here to help. You may not be part of our Double-O program, but that doesn’t mean you can’t shop like a secret agent. Our survival guide shows you how to take this holiday season from “stressful blur” to “shaken, not stirred.”

Phone Charging Case

Did you know that one of Bond’s first gadgets was a pager? Not even a pager that turned into a grappling hook. Just a pager. Today, we’re all carrying around Q-worthy gadgetry in the form of our smart-phones. You can use them to call around to other stores, scan gifts to compare prices, or emit a high-pitched frequency that summons muscular dogs to create a protective barrier around you. A charging case makes sure your gadgetry has enough battery to keep up.

Smart-Phone-Enabled Gloves

Sometimes, seconds can mean the difference between getting your hands on the last copy of Guitar Hero Live and slouching out of the store empty-handed. While you’re fidgeting with analog gloves just so you can search for directions to Toyz 4 Fun on your phone, someone else is driving at full speed with their sights set on your gift. Gloves with smartphone-sensitive fabric save you precious seconds, and that means getting to Toyz 4 Fun before the next guy.

Spy Drone

It's helpful to know the layout of all the stores you'll be entering before you enter them. Luckily, no special qualifications are needed to buy a spy drone. Sure, most corporate mega-stores won’t love drones poking around their aisles. But that’s no problem! Just hang some tinsel, mistletoe, and ornaments from the drone and watch the staff accept it without question as part of the yuletide background. Then you can sit back and scope their territory from the comfort of your stakeout vehicle.

Camelbak Full of Eggnog

People forget that spy work isn’t all gadgetry—it’s also thirsty work. Come prepared by filling a lightweight Camelbak or similar hydration bag with some of Kris Kringle’s Gatorade. After all, eggnog is bursting with the proteins, sugars, and Vitamin D your body needs to stay shopping.

Snacks

You gotta eat. You’re wasting away. Please, at least have a peanut butter cracker.

Disguise Kit

It may seem goofy, but you can never be too careful. Agents of S.H.O.P.T.R.E. are everywhere. They might even send in your own family to catch you buying gifts for them. This kit lets you hide in plain sight as legendary comedian Groucho Marx.

(Photos by Michelle Klosinski and text by Jeremy Stephison for Groupon.)

Accept our gift of related reads:

How to Evolve Your Family's Gift-Giving Traditions

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