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Avoid Zozo: 5 Ouija Board Rules

BY: Christopher Mahar | Jan 30, 2020

So you've decided to mess with the Ouija board this October in preparation for Halloween. Here is everything else you need to know before you fire up the auto-dialer.

How to use a Ouija board, according to Groupon

Terminology

First off, Ouija is simply the trademarked name used by Hasbro for their version of a spirit board or talking board. This is a board with the letters of the alphabet, numbers, commonly used words, and symbols marked on it that is meant to be used for communicating with the spiritual world. Communication is accomplished through the use of a heart-shaped pointer known as a planchette. Participants lightly rest their fingers on the planchette and allow the spirits to move it about the board, communicating by spelling words or pointing to symbols and numbers. Any such board should serve the intended purpose, but for best results you may consider purchasing a haunted Ouija board from eBay, purveyor of fine haunted merchandise since 1995.

Rule #1: Set the Mood

Before beginning a session, dim or turn off all electric lamps and light at least one white candle in the room. This will help center your consciousness and attract positive spirits. Consider opening a bottle of wine and putting on some smooth jazz or something by FKA Twigs. Oh yeah, someone is calling a spirit to their house tonight!

Rule #2: Show Respect

Spirits are known to easily take offense when humans break protocol, knowingly or not. You will not at first know who you are speaking to, what sex they identify as, or whether they have attained some title like knighthood in life. For this reason, it is safest to start off the conversation by referring to the spirit simply as "ghosty" before learning more about it. For an opening line, go with "Hello ghosty, I sure hope that this isn't a bad time to reach you, and that you would agree to take part in a conversation from beyond the vale of mortal existence. The conversation should only take 10 minutes at most, and your cooperation is greatly appreciated. I should tell you, this conversation might be recorded for quality purposes." It's good to throw in that last part even if you aren't recording the session.

Rule #3: Know the Warning Signs

Occasionally you may come into contact with a malevolent spirit, and you will want to break that connection as soon as possible. Warning signs are if the planchette starts cycling backwards through the alphabet, counting down all the numbers, or traveling to the four corners of the board in sequence. These are all possible signs that you have landed on Zozo, the whammy of the spirit world. Take your fingers off the planchette immediately. That guy is serious bad news.

Rule #4: Conversation Don'ts

When talking to a spirit, don't ask it about god, how you can get rich, or how you are going to die. Asking a spirit about god is like meeting the drummer in your favorite band and then immediately asking what the lead singer is like. It's tacky. As for money, spirits will, without fail, use any opening you give them to turn the conversation to the subject of bitcoin. Nobody wants to spend their evening slowly spelling out a poorly reasoned diatribe against fiat currency. How you are going to die is the worst of all. Spirits are suckers for a good bit, and even the most benign spirit will not be able to resist saying something spooky like "LIKE THIS" and then blowing out the candle.

Rule #5: Properly Dispose of Ouija Board

Break the board into seven pieces, sprinkle it with Holy Water, and then bury it. This same ritual works when getting rid of Monopoly boards.

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