Like a tree house, a gym never lets nonmembers inside and always deflects frogs fired from the neighborhood bully’s slingshot. Hurry up the rope ladder with today’s Groupon: for $19, you get a three-month membership (a $140 value, including a $50 enrollment and key-card fee), two personal-training sessions (a $120 value), six boot-camp classes (a $45 value), and a body-fat analysis (a $30 value) at Anytime Fitness in Ballantyne (a $335 total value).

Anytime Fitness, as the name suggests, is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week with nonstop security, perpetually motivating calorie burners with an array of fitness services and classes. The three-month membership equips bodies with enough treadmills, cycles, elliptical machines, and weights to make them fit enough to run a marathon inside of a swimming pool filled with mud. A free fitness orientation, offered to each new member, helps determine an optimal fat-frying and muscle-mass-magnifying program, and two personal-training sessions guide self-sculptors through exercise routines and lessons on how to repair T-shirts ripped by violent muscle flexing.

For group-based intensive exercise, Anytime Fitness offers six boot-camp sessions to whip exercisers into a sweaty lather under the loving encouragement of an inspirational instructor. Rounding out the health explosion is a body-fat analysis and diet plan to help shed pounds by catering to individual physical needs and discouraging binges of man-sized gummi bears.